So many random thoughts and so much confusion I am having great difficulty organizing it. So I will just blather on expressing thoughts as they come. I'm stuck in a loop of thought. On the one hand I am wondering where all the people "like me" are around here ... Young, white collar and single. On the other hand part of me is SCREAMING Princess, what makes you so special? What makes you think you are better than anyone in your younger, local, social circle? You balked when you heard that someone was going to be late going out because they were visiting a friend in Jail. Guess what sweet cheeks, your ex-boyfriend was a drug dealer and has done jail time. While you have a fancy little education ... What are you doing with it? Nothing. Sitting on your ass being pretentious and whiny. The years of the easy life are over. Your cosmic debts are being called in and you are actually going to have to EARN your way. No more getting the best just by showing up. Most people have had to actually work for what they have. Be of VALUE to society. What do you really offer?
Then I tell a friend she is "incorrigible" and she says "I would be insulted if I knew what you said." And for a moment I turn into the human thesaurus (something I was actually called by classmates in Jr. High School) until I remember that THAT is part of the reason why I was regarded as stuck up by my classmates in kindergarten through Sr. year of High School. Usually I am quite innocent in this behavior. I use the first word that springs to mind. My audience doesn't understand it so I start spewing synonyms and definitions, in an honest attempt to be helpful. They see me as showing off ... But this is the start of all the "I'm better than these people thoughts." I realize that it is just an accident of genetics that makes me "better." (Now I feel the need to explain my use of the word "better." When I say better I just mean academically smarter. I say "better" because academic ability is something I prize. Of course I mostly likely prize it because I HAVE it to some degree.
I am also terribly afraid. I LIKE (to some degree) being a big brain in a small pond. While I enjoy being around them greater intellects frighten and cow me. I want so desperately to prove myself worthy of their friendship ... And while I know it improves me ... It keeps me on edge and exhausts me.
I'm not as bright and talented as I want to be and I am disturbed when people suggest that I am bright and talented. It makes me feel like a fraud. I am stressed (and not in the good 'taking on the world' way) because I am afraid that if I let my guard down for even a moment everyone will see me for the pathetic scrap of humanity I am and they will be angry because they have been played for fools.