I don't play fair!

I remember hearing an interview with either Billy Corgan or Rob Thomas (don’t worry this is not going to be a music rant) and the interviewer asked why so many of his songs were sad or angry, and if he wasn’t ever happy. To which either Billy or Rob replied that he writes music to workout “bad” emotions. When he is happy, which he often is, he doesn’t feel the need to write because he just wants to enjoy the moment. I started to think about this as I realized that most of my ‘blog posts, diary entries, stories, poems, and plays are written when I am either pissed off or sad. I think my answer to the same question is even more selfish than his though. I don’t not write because I am enjoying the moment... I don’t write because I want to keep my joy to myself. I am often joyful … I sing little songs, dance in my apartment in my underwear, I speak to myself in elated gibberish. I hold on to my joy as a very private thing. It is mine alone. I HATE sharing joy. I am a little embarrassed by my expressions of real joy and happiness. My anger and my sadness though … I tend to feel like I can’t contain them. If I keep them private, like I keep my joy, they will eat at me until I do something silly … like rip apart a door frame or break something.

All of this means that I do something very unfair to my friends. I ask them to share the burden of my anger and pain … but I don’t let them see my joy.